The beginning of the year instinctually demands dramatic change. Last year's me is old news, and there's no way I can go back to being them again. I fall victim to this mindset year after year. Resolutions such as "drink more water" or "start going to the gym" never seem to stick with me past February. This year, I tried something different. I find when I post about something on the internet, I feel significantly more inclined to stick to it, even if nobody is holding me accountable. Undoubtedly, my community will hold me to it.
I've posted a video on YouTube declaring my goals to the world, but here, I thought I'd break each one down a little bit further to dive into why I felt the urge to change in this particular regard. Bering in mind that my recent breakup is very prominent in my eagerness to become a new me.
FITNESS
- Running a Sub 10 Minute Mile, Sub 40 Minute 5K, and a Half Marathon
Running is not something I am good at. Breathing has never been my specialty, and even in the earliest stages of working towards these goals, I can tell this is going to be intense without medical assistance. My environment in my youth encouraged pushing through the issue rather than acknowledging the problems. It was always "you're just not used to exercise" or "maybe if you lose a bit of weight" then I'd be able to breathe when I run. These fitness goals are symbolic for me in reclaiming the narrative about my body. If I can do these, something I wouldn't have thought possible underneath a toxic roof, maybe I can do things I have yet to dream of.
- Do A Pullup
Similarly to the running goals, I've never had much upper arm strength. Had I learned to work on it in high school, I'm not sure that I'd be working on this website from my apartment in Los Angeles. Life takes us in directions we could never predict, I suppose. In addition to being a severe physical roadblock, I think this one is a mental one. I've always thought of myself as being 'too big' or 'in the way' in addition to being fragile and frail. I'm hoping by (continuing) to work towards being able to lift myself, I will find comfort within myself in a way I've never thought.
EDUCATION
- Learn Self Defense
Since accepting my "queer-ness", I have become hyper aware of what the world thinks about me. Rather than just wanting to, like my other goals, this one feels a bit more necessary. I'm not looking for altercations, but better safe than sorry? As far as I remember, I was never put into any sort of martial arts class when I was younger, and this feels like a perfect time to potentially seek it out. I'd rather go for something like kick boxing, as I have heard so many women find solace in it. I want to feel safer in my body.
- Take an Acting/Vocal Class
My main source of income is through freelance nowadays. When the world opens up, I have the opportunity to host panels and booths at conventions, and I'd like to be ready for that. Additionally, I think that taking an acting class will only help with my working live streaming. I thought improv might be an option, but I would really like to work on my memory. One of my blatant weak points in learning is memory (and audio recognition). Through taking either an acting or vocal class, I'm confident my self assuredness in performance with strengthen tremendously.
- Learn SIX New Skills (Rubik's Cube in Under 5 Minutes)
This is again under the umbrella of growth this year. I function much better with binaries, and learning things I've never been able to do before would make me feel a lot stronger, even is the skills are foolish. In line of the Rubik's Cube, 3D puzzles have never made much sense to me. When everyone was flourishing in geometry, this is where I floundered. Having a puppy as well as limited space does not lend itself well to my love of puzzles. Being able to understand and solve a Rubik's Cube might fill the gap of longing for two dimensional puzzles.
- Fall in Love with Writing (Again)
What once was a source of joy has, in recent years, turned into a source of anxiety. Everyone out in LA is a writer, and I have a hard time comparing myself to everybody. I want to write for my own joy, rather with intent to publish or share. I'm hoping to find internal validation before seeking approval externally. I can still call myself a writer, even if nobody ever reads anything I've written.
MISC
- Create Emergency Fund
- Double Stocks/Savings
- 1000 Followers on All Socials
- Take a Trip
- Hike to a Waterfall
Financially speaking, I am moving with intention to lay a ground work for "Future Emma". With my mental health getting better everyday, I am able to look long term to a future rather than trying to make it to tomorrow. I would love to be set financially as early in life as I can be, and this year, I hope to double the progress I have made doing so.
I have never travelled with myself in the forefront of my mind. I want to put myself first this year as much as possible. I want to fall in love with myself and go out of the way to doing things for me that I would normally do for a romantic partner. Nobody has ever put me first, and I am going to be the first person to do so.
---
In six months, I plan on checking in with my goals to see how they've changed and progressed. If I don't make all or any of them, life goes on, but I'm hoping this will lend me some much needed direction in life.
- Emma
Comments